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[Wednesday,May 12 2010 @ 12:17pm]
I decided to start blogging again, hopefully this will help keep me organized and on the right track. I feel so lost some times, and it becomes so exhausting.

I feel a lot lately that I am stuck in some kind of standstill and that life has for the most part become routine. I pretty much sleep right up until I have to work, slack off as much as I can while I am there and then come home, well not my home, my parents home where I then fill the rest of the night watching videos or hanging out alone at the park. I know very exciting?

I never seem to know what to do; I seem to see all the options and feel like if I make a choice it’s going to be the wrong one, so why make a choice at all? I am always stuck in the middle too worried about either outcome to just pick one and go with it.


I have always thought “transition” was a thing way off in the distance. I was content on how things were going. I had the help of my girlfriend, a box full of hormones and things were moving in the right direction, but then everything started to change, and I realized that neither of us really knew what we were doing. So we pretty much halted the hormones. I had also started feeling a lot of the symptoms that come with Diabetes, but have always had a healthy fear of doctors so I just brushed everything off until February 14th when I decided to appease the growing concerns of my girlfriend and family. We went to the urgent care, hoping we’d be out in time to still go out to dinner, but that was not the case, my blood sugar was over what the meter could read and we were told that I needed to be booked into the hospital immediately. Three days later I got sent home, with the requirements to find a primary care physician and an Endocrinologist (a hormone doctor). So here I was presented with a chance to get my “transition” on a stable and healthier path. I decided this time I would be up front with everyone and give this some serious commitment. So I had some friends recommend some trans-friendly doctors; and made some appointments. So now I have been on hormones for year, and been prescribed four of those months, which is actually really exciting to think about.

I still have a lot of worries about it though. I always wanted to have a family and eventually have kids which means I need to either eventually stop taking hormones or freeze sperm, because after so long on hormones some people become sterile. I also worry about raising kids as a trans-parent. Transition is a very long process and a very selfish one. So if I decided that I want to be a parent, id have to decided whether or not I have finally reached a spot in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. I mean I am sure I am worrying about nothing and that when that time came there would be ways to get through it. I just hate how selfish lately I have become, and I keep thinking that this really isn’t me (the selfish part) but yea the whole transition process has sort of become the main focus of this era in my life. I mean I have been developing my true self for like 10 years now and I am now just getting things on track. I still need to plan some laser hair removal treatment; I have no idea what my measurements which makes it hard to get clothes that fit. I am still a huge mess, and I feel like a lot of my anxiety about it all is pushing people away, especially the purist trans-women who think that the way I handle my transition is super horrible, which ironically I seem most accepted by every day society more than I do with the transgendered community.

Roller Derby

I have had such a passion for skating ever since I used to skate for which at the time was trans-friendly. Things finally ran their course, and for a bunch of reasons I was asked to leave. This was actually fine by me because the league seemed to be having a hard time getting its self organized. I was however left with like this void that only skating could fill. Since roller derby is pretty much an all “girl” type of sport, I was left very much limited on where I could go as a trans-girl.

My luck kind of changed when I had talked to my best friend (who’s also transgendered) about it, her mom happens to skate for Tucson Roller Derby, which I look up to a lot. So she talked to the women that run the league and I was allowed to skate as a “visitor”, so now I drive about an hour and a half down and skate with their new girls. I mean it is ridiculous to do that, but I love the league and how organized it is, and I have friends there, who are totally accepting of me. The only part that sucks is that I am going to be labeled as a visitor until I can attend more regularly.

Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

I am now a Postulant (Yvonne Gelist) for the Grand Canyon Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is a nonprofit organization of drag-nuns, who go out into the GLBT community and help raise money for various underdog charities. I have always wanted to be involved with raising money and helping various communities especially the transgendered community, I just never knew that I would be called to do it this way. I am excited to see how my path with them progress. My big Sisters (Felicity N Debaucheri, and Mischief Merrymaker) are wonderful and they have me helped me so much more than Sister stuff.
I Need it's noises in my ears

Glasses To See Through The Ages. [Tuesday,December 29 2009 @ 10:30pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I think I am really looking forward to New Years this year. I think I am starting to figure a lot of things out and I am excited for what's to come. It will give me a chance to clear out all the things that seem to clutter my life, physically and emotionally.

I went down to Tuscon last night and spent the night with my friend Vivica and it was really fun cause I had the chance to just be myself. I find that when I am with her I dont have to tone down anything. I got in late so we ended up at Applebees and had some food and drinks. Then spent the night watching Family Guy "Something Something Something Darkside" untill it was time to go to bed.

So this morning she woke me up and told me that she was going to take me to her school and fix my hair (which was partially dyed the last time I was down). It came out amazing and I love it, the combination of the hair and my new glasses, I was all set to hit the town. We decided to go out to sushi with Sean and Brad, who I have met a few times before. Then I packed up my stuff for the drive back home.

Tomorrow I get to go back and pick her up lol, cause she is going to come stay the night with me so come Thursday we can spend New Years Eve together hitting up all the GLBT bars.

I really appreciate all the things she dose for me.

I Need it's noises in my ears

A Place Called Home... [Monday,December 28 2009 @ 12:13pm]
[ mood | curious ]

It's been a really weird couple of months.

I feel like I have been put on this path, but it's not the one I have always thought that I would be on. I guess it's true what they say. You can make all the plans you want too, but it might not what be what's in store for you. Though I am not saying that what's going on is all together bad, its just different.

I think I spent too much of my time on the sidelines, trying to study the game, and by the time I was ready to play, it was over. I have no one to blame but myself, but seeing how put together everyone else is is sort of tough to deal with. My significant other just graduated from ASU earlier this month and I am like I barely have 1 english credit, over at MCC, which is our community college. I have stopped writing cause I tend to be exhausted, and generally tapped. I mean when it came to writing albums, I had some one who would come in and help me fill in the gaps. I loved doing the concept album thing, but each in-completed album is like a reminder that maybe I didnt have things organized the best or that maybe the concept really was not all that solid.

I keep holding on to these visions of the past, and searching for ways to travel back to the days when I could produce a piece of prose that shocked and made people think in new ways. I miss the days when I would talk to some of my favorite musicians and they woud talk back with me and encourage me. I miss the days when people would sit down with me and we would listen to music and figure out the stories and the meanings behind them, when there was more to music that just a catchy riff or two. I miss the days when it was more about what was behind the words.

I just miss so much from the past.

I Need it's noises in my ears

In Ink Please [Thursday,April 09 2009 @ 9:10pm]
Debating getting some new tattoos...

But the hard part is I cant draw worth anything. So I would have to try to find an artist that can do some of the stuff I want to do. I am also thinking that I might need to find myself a female inker since a lot of the stuff I want to do is a tad girlish, cause I think I would feel weird getting my hips done by a male artists or like my wrists or I have toyed around with the stocking seam idea.

I always wanted the quote "Love Just Like Blood Will Always Stain" by Tilly And The Wall. I think it would be in some kind of a script sort of style. I want my sleeves to showcase various styles of artwork, lSpawn, Anime, Kurt Halsey and some of my own. I have always wanted to get some famous tattoo artists to do something and then sign it, such as anyone from LA Ink (even if it will be expensive, it will be an amazing experience) and since I grew up listening to his lengendary metalcore vocals, I really want something done by Daniel Weyandt. Id like to mix a ton of cultures and styles from something adorable and twee influences, to darker images and even some religous elements.

Another thing thats sort of come to my mind and I dont know why, but it would be on my sleeve and it would be a girl with her head turn to the side and she would have a polka dot headband with ribbons attached and they would be flowing down around her shoulders, and she would have like cats eye glasses, and like a vintage polka dot dress.

I guess that it the kind of girl I always wanted to meet too.
I Need it's noises in my ears

Not my best.... [Friday,December 07 2007 @ 2:12pm]
The Restless Creek: Past & Present

01 - Art In Manila - Time Gets Us All
02 - Azure Ray - If You Fall
03 - Beep Beep - Misuse Their Bodies
04 - Bright Eyes - Neely O'Hara
05 - Coyote Bones - Living Breathing Demons
06 - Cursvie - No News Is Bad News
07 - The Faint - Hypnotised
08 - The Good Life - Keely Aimee
09 - Maria Taylor - A Good Start
10 - McCarthy Tenching - I Am Not Long For This World
11 - Now Its Overhead - Wait In Line
12 - Park Ave. - She's An Actress?
13 - Slowdown Virginia - Supernova 75"
14 - Son Ambulence - Paper Snowflakes
15 - Tilly And The Wall - Rainbows In The Dark
I Need it's noises in my ears

[Monday,November 05 2007 @ 2:47pm]
Living In A Mixtape

01. All Girl Summer Fun Band - Video Game Heart
02. B For Brotosaurus - Rut!
03. Bis - Secret Vampires
04. Black Kids - I Am Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
05. Bmx Bandits - Kylie's Got A Crush On Us
06. Boat - (I'm A) Donkey for Your Love
07. The Besties - Space Song
08. A Candlelight Vigil - A Summer To Remember
09. Darren Hanlon - Couch Surfing
10. The Late B.P Helium - Rabbits Ear
11. Page France - Hat And Rabbit
12. The Tammy's - Egyptian Shumba
13. The Triangles - Let's Replace The Cityscapes
14. Tullycraft - The Punks Are Writing Love Songs

From A To Twee

All Girl Summer Fun Band - New In Town
Bunnygrunt - Wild Summer, Wow
Cars Can Be Blue - Dirty Song
Dressy Bessy - If You Try To Kiss Her
Ethnobabes - My Favorite Fool
Fisboy - Taqueria Girl
Go Sailor - Together Forever In Love
Hot Toddies - Wet Dream
In Ink Please - Our Very Own Grindcore Band
Loch Ness Mouse - Swung 2 Low
Math and Physics Club - I Know What I Want
Owls - Air
Poison Control Center - Magic Markers
Red Pony Clock - Dont Forget Who Your Friends Are
Strawberry Story - Pushbutton Head
Tullycarft - Pop Songs Your Boyfriend Is Too Stupid To Know About
Viva Voce - Mixtape = Love or Voxy - Chicks With Dictionaries
Wolfie - Hey It's Finally Yay
Yo La Tengo - The Cone Of Silence
Zolof And The Rock And Roll Destroyer - Arrg I Am Pirate (Demo)
4 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Wednesday,October 24 2007 @ 9:38pm]
All I want is some hugs and some sidewalk chalk...
2 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

Wishes Beneath The City [Friday,May 25 2007 @ 3:55pm]
Phones seldom pick up on what you called them for, never providing the answer you were searching for, while a machine calculates and decides what grants a proper response. messages go unnoticed and failed to be seen. Information becomes outdated and lost on the ears that fail to offer any kind of reply. A conversation relies on the conviction of the message being relayed back and forth within the conversation. As things start to fall victim to circumstance it's hard to find a reason to even expect a call or response. Words don't always have double meanings, some times they are what they are and should be taken at face value, and their body language will give way to what's beneath the skin. Good intentions never intend to go bad, when they are only trying to offer a break from the daily grind, that wears us down from day to day.
I Need it's noises in my ears

[Friday,April 13 2007 @ 3:48pm]
This entry is already outdated:

Last Friday was the Joy Electric show. I was really excited in spite of going alone. I have always wondered how Ronnie Martin performs his live show. I got there during "Foxglove Hunt" and Ronnie was playing drums, so that was cool. I bought some merch and just kind of hung out by myself. It was a really small show maybe 40 people where there, and I just felt like that shy awkward girl who never belongs any where. It was lame cause the whole time I kept trying to get the courage up to ask Ronnie if I could cover his song "Nikola Tesla" on one of my upcoming records. After "Kissing Cousins" (who were okay but I didnt stay and watch them)Ronnie and the guitarist/singer of "Foxglove Hunt/Fine China" came on to do the Joy Electric stuff...

01 - Colours In Dutch
02 - Frivolity
03 - Shefiled Youth
04 - Matahorn
05 - The Memory Of Alpha
06 - Red Will Dye These Hills Of Silver
07 - The Harsh Effects Of Time(Bros Martin)
08 - Fears To Remember (Bros Martin)
09 - Most Terrible Archer
10 - Unknown New Song
11 - Ushering In Of The Magical Era
12 - Monosynth
13 - Quite Quieter Than Spiders

After the show I was like the last to leave, cause my mom was stuck on the highway some where, but it was really cool cause I was walking around and Ronnie engaged me in conversation and it was really cool. Still didnt have the guts to bring up the cover though

As far as my band is going "A Candlelight Vigil" I am never sure about whats going on. At this point I have sent tons of content to the other half, but the last few weeks I havent run into him online, so the balls in his court. It sort of sucks cause we got asked to do a "Late B.P Helium" song called "Rabbit Ears" for a complation, and thats been run by Bryan and he sounds excited cause of what he heard we did with "She's A Rejecter"

Also for you "Tullycraft" fans we were given permission to do "Building The Robot" and if they like it they will put ip on their page for us.

So we have a fan base, and some indie famous support.
4 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

My Devotion To A Devotional [Thursday,April 05 2007 @ 8:48pm]
What I am listening to a lot lately :)

01 - Aimee Mann - Dear John
02 - Architecture In Helsinki - The Cemetary
03 - Belle & Sebastian - Suki In The Graveyard
04 - Black Box Recorder - Seasons In The Sun
05 - Blaster The Rocketman - Creature Feature
06 - Calibretto - Dont Go Into The Woods
07 - Camera Obscura - Books Written For Girls
08 - Cars Can Be Blue - Dirty Song
09 - Christian & Lions - A Roots Grave Is Above Ground
10 - Daft Punk - Human After All
11 - Del The Funkee Homosapien - At The Helm
12 - Dr Octagon - Eat It
12 - The Fiery Furnaces - Im In No Mood
13 – Loch Ness Mouse – Swung 2 Lo
14 – Modest Mouse – A Different City
15 – Moldy Peaches – Nothing Came Out
16 – Of Montreal – Will You Come And Fetch Me
17 – Paper Chase – This Huse Is Alive And Its Hungry
18 – Tilly and The Wall – A Perfect Fit
19 – Tullycraft – Mollys Got A Crush On Us
20 – Yes – Don’t Kill The Whale
4 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Tuesday,March 20 2007 @ 3:24pm]
Everyone is falling in love...
3 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Sunday,March 04 2007 @ 7:37pm]
I just wanna fall in love...
2 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Monday,February 26 2007 @ 1:45am]
I feel like I am making a comeback...

I am going to go turn in a application at "Bath And Body Works" tomorrow, fingers crossed, it's within walking distance and its one of the only jobs I ever really enjoyed. I am also going to pick up a ton of applications all within walking distance, not having a car is really tough, there has been so many instances this week when I really needed either a car or money. It is time to come out of retirement.

To quote Conor Oberst "Id rather be working for a paycheek, then waiting to win the lottery"

Though he was talking about relationships, I am going to take its litteral meaning in mind. Parents say if I start saving for insurence they will probably provide the car. It would be nice if everyone kept me in their prayers or at lest sent some good vibes my way all week, while I am out in the heat getting turned down left and right.
I Need it's noises in my ears

[Monday,February 19 2007 @ 3:26am]
[ mood | awake ]

I couldnt sleep at all tonight...

I couldnt help but think of you and how time can erase even the tightest of bonds.

3 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Friday,February 16 2007 @ 5:03am]
[ mood | creative ]

I really want a new layout...

But deffently something just as cute. I am not sure what it is about this one that I dont like, maybe the way the entires are laid out. Though I love all the font sizes and comment titles. So I dont want that to go away if i change the layout. I wish I knew more about live journal, I never had to deal with all this on Xanga. Some one come in and fix this up for me.

On to more pressing issues, I have had two offers to start up some musical collaborations, which is amazing cause I could use a project to throw myself into untill I find a job and get back on my feet. I am not sure what all I get to write or have a say in, but I deffiently have some ideas going for it.

I want a project with the band names "A Candlelight Vigil" & "Schoolyard Belles"

They both give off an indie vibe, the later lends a female touch, while the previous title could be just about anything with some deep meaning and rich storyline. Though I am not sure where they will go or what will become of them.

I am a big fan of "covers" and I am not sure why, cause its pretty much taking a previous song and doing it. I have always tried thinking about them in whole a new light. Since I do a lot of concept albums, I thought it be pretty cool to take a song of some one elses that would normally not fit a story, and put it on an album and have it magically work with the story line, that way the cover advances the story line and is used in a new way. Also if I am going to cover a song, I want to capture it in a new style and if its a hardcore song I want to make it acoustic, if its acoustic I might try and make it ska, that way its also dont with a new twist.

The covers I have in mind at the moment...

Anything off "Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer" done acoustic, but I fear the basslines. Tilly and the Wall's "Let It Rain" or "I Always Knew" - I can do "I Always Knew" on keyboard plus when the cover gets done, I know how to get a hold of Kianna to share it with her, with fingers crossed she dosnt hate it. I have done a really cool version of "Whispers Of A Long Goodnight" by The Lyndsay Diaries, with bass chords that sounds really nice, too bad I forgot how to play it that way. Then I want to pick an obscure band, sort of like Of Montreal's cover of "Tropical Iceland" by The Fiery Furnaces, but either do "I'm In No Mood" or do A Paper Chase song....which will be really scary to try and do, I am thinking that the trick of that is finding one thats less morbid than the rest.

I am in a mood to start up something thats for sure.

I Need it's noises in my ears

[Tuesday,February 13 2007 @ 10:10am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So things have been off with me lately

I went to try and figure things out, but every time I try I always end up more confused than when I started. It's like my life is a bunch of Catch-22's and nothing is budging or at lest lossening up to where I cant make progress.

Id throw myself into a musical project, but I am more a collaborator than I am a musician/or song writer. So I depend on people who sing and play guitar. Then I have to hope that they can do anything with my content or stories. I need to show my friend that just cause we arent doing anything musically together any more, that I still can hold my own without him. I have always been in the shadow of his amazing ability to pick up an instrument and be good at it. I need to do it for myself to prove I can complete something and it can be good.

I always wanted to do a "Of Montreal" or "Tilly and the Wall" cover, but to change it up some but still remain true to the origanal there in lies the trick. The last cover I was involved in was an acoustic version of Coheed and Cambrias "Ten Speed".

I been in a weird mood musically, been listening to a lot of Jethro Tull "Stormwatch" and Paul McCartney & The Wings "Band On The Run" (though he is my lest favorite Beatle) then ocasionally I mix it up with some Del The Funkee Homosapien

4 I need the smell of Summer I Need it's noises in my ears

[Tuesday,February 06 2007 @ 5:53pm]
[ mood | curious ]

She didn’t know why but all she knew was that she couldn’t feel her hands. It was pinned up under the wire frame that was once part of the car. A small fire had started to occur near the back of the car, and she feared that soon it would spread to the tank that had now spilled half way out on to the street. A young mother had pulled off to the side of the road to ask, Mandy if she needed some assistance. By the time she had gotten there time was running out and Mandy had nodded off into unconsciousness, she realized it was a race against time and that despite the situation she needed to try and save this girl. She reached up under where Mandy’s arm was pinned and with the strength only a mother could posses somehow managed to lift the car up just enough to free her arm. Mandy’s breathing was shallow and sporadic, as if her lungs could never fill with as much that was needed to sustain her.

Out in the distance the ambulance pressed on to the scene, this was a chance for these paramedics to obtain a much-needed win. They seem to carry a gust of determination about them that went above and beyond the call. The momentum showed through in their bodies as they carried the stretcher to the wreck.

Two man secured Mandy down on the stretcher, while a third paramedic made the call to the nearest hospital to let them know they needed to perform an air evacuation of a young girl possibly in her mid twenties who was losing air and blood fast, they didn’t want to jinx anything but you can tell in his voice that this would be a fairly close call, that as soon as they landed the doctors needed to be ready to get down to business.

Witnesses gathered around the sidewalk near by. No one really knew why or how this happened, only that now they were in the middle of something that would change the life of everyone involved.

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I Need it's noises in my ears

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